


I Want To Be Yours

by RobinPlaysTrumpet15



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Blood and Injury, CT-6116 | Kix Needs A Hug, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Minor Echo/Fives, Pining, Separation Anxiety, Surgery, do not copy to another site, talk of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26884858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinPlaysTrumpet15/pseuds/RobinPlaysTrumpet15
Summary: Kix has never had to keep Jesse alive after an injury before. He doesn't handle it particularly well the first time he does.
Relationships: CT-5597 | Jesse/CT-6116 | Kix
Comments: 9
Kudos: 112
Collections: TexWash's Must Reads and Rereads





	I Want To Be Yours

**Author's Note:**

> I have been writing this for... oh, I have no idea how long anymore. The idea for this fic came from my friends on discord, so thank you guys, for being so awesome and having such wonderful ideas! Portions of this fic don't line up _exactly_ with the original idea, but I think for the most part, it lines up. Guys, I hope you enjoy this and it lives up to your expectations.
> 
> Make sure to read the tags, guys. There are descriptions of injury and blood, as well as talk of death and depictions of anxiety and other potential mental health issues. The referenced character death refers to Domino Squad, btw. It lasts for a single ling, I believe.

He needs more hands than he has, Kix realizes very quickly. He’s already busy trying to staunch the blood flow and doing everything he can to keep pressure on the wound. Kix curses. He could really do with another set of hands or two. He needs gauze and a suture and thread. Cleaning wipes and bacta. A whole _tank_ , maybe.

What he really needs is for his hands to stop kriffing _shaking_.

“Kix-”

The medic almost jumps, briefly removing pressure from the wound under his hands. Then he clamps down on his resolve and presses down firmly again, earning a grunt from the body beneath him.

“Shut up,” he grits out. “Stop talking.”

“Kix,” the stubborn dumbass says again. “It’ll be alright.”

Kix shakes his head, wishing once again for any sort of help to appear.

“Just- just stop talking.”

He shifts, removing one hand briefly and hitting roughly at the comlink on his wrist.

“This is combat medic CT-6116, requesting immediate medevac. Anyone available, I repeat. I need an immediate medevac.” Kix recites their coordinates again, hoping some pilot can hear him. Hoping _anyone_ can hear him. They need to get out of here, sooner rather than later.

“Kix.”

He doesn’t look.

“Kix, please.”

He replaces his hand on the wound, trying so hard to stop the bleeding.

“Come on, Kixystix-” A wet cough interrupts him. “Look at me.”

Kix only glances at first, feeling his eyes beginning to sting.

Jesse lays prone on the ground, portions of the top half of his armor missing. The white plastoid is splattered with red and cracked. Pieces are gone, forming hard, jagged spikes that threaten to cut Kix’s hands if he moves in the wrong way. Jesse’s having a hard time breathing - both through the pain and due to the wound in his side.

He smiles at Kix weakly.

“You’re gonna be alright, Kixy,” he says, looking at Kix like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Like there’s nothing else he’d rather look at. Like Kix might be the last thing he ever sees. “You’re-” Jesse coughs. “You’re going to be okay.”

Nervous, jittery energy spikes through Kix. If he hadn’t already been pressing his hands so hard against his boyfriend’s side, they would be shaking like leaves.

“Stop saying that!” he all but yelled. “Stop saying that like you’re gonna die.”

Jesse chuckles, but all that leads to is another coughing fit.

“Kix…”

Kix doesn’t respond.

Jesse doesn’t speak again.

The medic’s heart skips a beat just before the panic lances through him.

“ _Shit_ ,” he curses. “Shit shit shit, _osik, haar’chak_ -”

He moves without thinking about it, leaning down over Jesse’s face. He waits, holding as still as he can. A soft, warm puff of air brushes against his ear.

“Thank _Ka’ra_ ,” Kix mutters. Jesse’s just lost consciousness. It’s not preferable, but he’s still breathing. Still alive.

He’s not dead.

Kix doesn’t know what he’d do if Jesse died.

Thoughts of his _cyare_ on a funeral pyre butt in, consuming his mind. Telltale smoke and the smell of burning flutter through the air, tickling at his nose and making Kix feel sick to his stomach. It’s not real. He doesn’t think it is, anyway. Nothing is burning around them. Or, there wasn’t, last time he looked.

He’s been a little busy.

“Dammit, Jess…” he hisses to himself. “Come on. Where is everyone?”

*

Help came just as Kix felt like he himself might collapse. The adrenaline had made its way through his system already, leaving him shaky and tired, but no less terrified for his partner’s life.

A gunship roared through the air. It didn’t land, but hovered a foot or so above the ground. A medical team hopped from the ship, hurrying towards them with supplies and a stretcher.

Coric was leading them.

“Kix!” the senior medic called as they got closer. “How is he?”

“Unconscious,” Kix supplied as he began to shift and move out of the way for the rescue team. “Lost a lot of blood. Can’t say how much.”

Coric nodded, then snapped his fingers at one of the junior medics at his side.

“Bandaid, look him over. Kix, stay with him. I want the two of you on the gunship now.”

With that, Coric took Kix’s place and Kix was left in Bandaid’s care.

Now, Kix finds himself standing around in the medbay. There were plenty of injuries in the battle, but most were minor. All the brothers ordered to stay in the medical center are squared away, tucked up safely in their cots with their wounds bandaged and taken care of.

Kix wasn’t hurt. Unsteady and tired, but unhurt. Bandaid said he might have been going into shock, so he got wrapped up in a thermal blanket and given a water pouch to sip on. That didn’t last long. Kix was needed once they got back to the _Resolute_.

Staying busy also didn’t last long.

All he can do now is stand near the doors where Jesse and a team of medics had disappeared.

He hopes he at least _looks_ like he’s doing something other than standing around and panicking. It’s not a good look when one of your best combat medics paces around in the medbay, thumbnail between his teeth, watching the door to the operating room.

Eventually, Rex appears. Tano and Skywalker are with him. They always stop by after a battle to see where they can help and get a count from the medics of their losses and the state of their medical supplies. Also to visit with the injured troopers - help reassure them and raise their spirits a bit if they can.

Rex zeroes in on Kix almost immediately.

“How is he?” the captain asks, all but tugging Kix to stand still.

Of course he knows about Jesse. He would have heard Kix’s comms for help. Would have been notified that one of his men was taken into surgery.

Kix shakes his head, biting at his nail.

“Dunno. Haven’t heard anything.”

Rex nods once and crosses his arms.

“Assume no news is good news for right now.”

Kix wants to agree. He wants to say that yes, of course. That makes sense.

He can’t, though. He cannot make himself calm down and be optimistic and realistic. Jesse’s in the hands of some of the best medics in the GAR. Coric knows what he’s doing. Coric is good at what he does. Jesse’s wound isn’t the worst Kix has seen. But Kix has never had to be the one to take care of Jesse like that. He’s never had to keep him alive - has never felt his love’s life draining away under his own two hands.

Logically, Kix knows Jesse will be okay.

But what if he’s not? What if Kix didn’t do enough, and they’re paying for it now? What if the wound is worse than Kix had thought it was?

What if Jesse _dies_?

Kix can’t breathe.

“Hey-” Hands land on Kix’s shoulders. There’s a face in front of his own. “Kix, hey. Look at me.”

_”Come one, Kixystix. Look at me.”_

“Come on, trooper. It’s alright.”

_”You’re gonna be alright, Kixy.”_

“You’re okay.”

_”You’re- you’re going to be okay.”_

“Kix!”

There are tears in his eyes when Kix finally shakes the thoughts away. Jesse’s strained voice falls away, echoing painfully in the back of his mind. Rex stands in front of Kix, his hands gripping the medic’s shoulders.

Kix looks to his captain helplessly.

“I can’t live without him, Rex…”

His vision blurs as the tears well even further, then spill over and fall down his cheeks. Rex frowns, his expression pained.

They both know what it is he can’t say.

“You’ll never have to” and “don’t think about that” and “yes you can.” Because the truth is… those things aren’t true, and they know it. There is not and never will be a guarantee of safety in their lives. One of them will probably die in this war, if not both of them. The odds are against them, and there’s not a lot that can be done about it.

Rex opens his mouth to say something. Before he can get so much as a word out, the light above the door goes off and medics begin to filter out. They all look worn and tired. Some have blood on their medical-issue scrubs.

Coric is the last out, helping navigate the stretcher Jesse is on.

Kix and Rex scramble out of the way.

Jesse is taken to the very back of the room where there are free beds near the general-use desks and supply storage. The majority of the operating team goes off in their own directions, stripping dirty scrubs and blacks and armor that all need to be washed.

Kix follows Coric and Jesse. He waits near the foot of the bed while his _cyare_ is transferred between the stretcher and the mattress.

Jesse’s side is clean and stitched up, hidden by a large bacta patch and wrapped in gauze.

Coric turns to him before Kix can even say anything.

“He’s fine. Stable. Right now, he’s sleeping off the meds and his concussion. It’ll be a few days before he’s up and moving.”

Kix nods. Coric places a gentle hand on the combat medic’s shoulder.

“You did good, Kix,” he says. “Now, I’m ordering you: get some rest. You need it.”

He leaves then, letting Kix alone at Jesse’s bedside. Rex is still there, too, but he’s silent as Kix moves and takes one of Jesse’s hands in his own.

“Kix…” Rex sighs.

“I’ll… I’ll go in a minute.”

He sees the captain nod out of the corner of his eye.

“I’ll be in my office if you need me. I expect you in the showers and laying down to sleep within the next thirty minutes, got it?”

Kix nods. “Yes, sir.”

*

He doesn’t leave in the next thirty minutes, or even the next three hours.

Coric must have gone and passed out somewhere, because no one comes to talk to Kix again. No one tries to kick him out of the medbay or put him to work. Though, he does get up and help where it’s necessary. He does clean himself off in the ‘fresher quickly, at least to make it seem as if he’s taken a shower and changed his blacks.

When the head medic comes back early the next morning, after Kix has sat by Jesse’s side, holding his hand, for the majority of the night, Coric is furious.

He marches up to Kix, fire burning in his dark eyes.

“I told you to get some rest.”

“I’ve rested-”

“I meant sleep!” Coric interrupts, tossing his hands in the air. “I meant for you to take care of yourself. Eat a meal, take a shower, get some sleep. Sitting in that chair all night, watching an unconscious man, doesn’t count as rest.”

Kix doesn’t meet Coric’s eyes again. He can’t. His own eyes are burning, possibly with tears, but mostly just from fatigue.

“My shift starts soon,” he mutters, squeezing Jesse’s hand. “No point to go now-”

“ _Osik_ ,” Coric says. “I’m taking you off duty. Now you can either go do as I say on your own, or I can get you a babysitter.”

Kix grimaces to himself. There’s really not much of a choice there.

Without saying anything, he leans forward and presses a kiss to Jesse’s forehead. He’ll be fine for a little while… It’s only for a bit. Just a few hours at most. He’ll be okay.

He finds it’s hard to stand and let go of Jesse’s hand, though. He won’t be gone long, and Jesse won’t be alone. But it’s hard. So hard.

It’s impossible.

Panic simmers somewhere near his diaphragm. His eyes sting.

“Kix,” Coric prompts.

Kix can only shake his head and grip his partner’s hand even tighter.

Coric’s tone takes on a softer touch.

“Kix, he’ll be alright.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I’ll be here. There are medics constantly around. The monitors will alert us the moment something happens. I can guarantee you he will heal from this and be good as new.”

Anything can happen though, can’t it? Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing but death. They’ll all die one day, most of them sooner rather than later. Kix can’t pull himself away. He can’t leave Jesse alone.

He can’t.

Kix shakes his head again.

“I can’t. I can’t, Coric,” he mutters. “I’m not strong enough.”

“Yes, you are,” another voice says, approaching the three of them.

Kix looks up to find Rex, looking fresh and like he got a good night’s sleep. Kix is glad he’s doing alright.

“You are plenty strong enough to do this one thing. I know you are,” Rex says.

He very nearly argues with his captain, but the blond man raises a hand to stop him.

“I’ll make you a deal,” he begins slowly. “I’ll stay with Jesse and message you the moment something changes, if it does. But in return, I need you to go lie down. Take care of yourself.”

The thought of someone being there with Jesse eases the worry in his gut, but only slightly. Letting his beloved out of his sight still churns his stomach - makes him feel sick.

“I swear to you, Kix, on my life - on _Cody’s_ \- it’s going to be okay. I need you to take care of yourself.”

_Oh,_ Kix thinks.

They’re just words, Kix knows that. Saying them doesn’t change a whole lot. But Commander Cody means _everything_ to Rex. His captain would do anything for Cody, really. He would follow the 212th commander to the end of the galaxy and back, zero questions asked.

Kix nods, feeling heavy and tired.

“Okay,” he agrees.

With great reluctance, Kix releases Jesse’s hand and stands from his chair.

“Go on, Kix. We’ve got the watch here.”

“Hardcase is expecting you in the barracks as soon as you’re done in the ‘fresher.”

He nods again, then carefully walks himself out of the medbay.

Jesse will be alright for a little while. He has Rex. Rex is safe.

Hardcase is, too. Kix stumbles into the barracks long enough to grab a clean set of blacks and his toiletries, then he’s off to shower. Hardcase smiles at him briefly, situated on Kix’s bunk. Kix tries to smile back.

He’s not sure if it works or not.

*

Kix can’t sleep. He passed out earlier in the morning after Coric and Rex kicked him out of the medbay just because of how exhausted he was, but now? His mind just isn’t having it. He’s restless and wishing for Jesse’s presence. They hardly sleep alone anymore, despite how small the bunks are. Being alone feels weird and wrong, knowing that it’s not due to Jesse being on a shift when Kix isn’t.

He tosses in bed again, flipping onto his other side so he’s facing the wall. The new position doesn’t help, just as it hadn’t the last five times he’s turned over again and again. He shoves his pillow into a different configuration, lays on his stomach, hikes one knee one, shoves it back down, lies flat on his back and- nope. Nothing works.

Kix closes his eyes every time, tries to slow his breathing. He wants to sleep. If he sleeps, he can wake up in the morning and go work his shift. Working is the only time he doesn’t really have to think. He can be in the medbay, able to look over at Jesse whenever he needs to. He takes care of his _vode_ \- changes bandages, applies bacta, glares daggers at the brothers who start causing trouble.

But now, in the middle of the night with nothing to focus on, Kix has nothing to do _but_ think.

He thinks about Jesse, thinks about their relationship. Of the wound in Jesse’s side and how easily he could have died yesterday. He thinks about how hard it was - and still is, sometimes - to breathe, just thinking of being without the man he loves. The thought of Jesse dying is, well… Kix isn’t sure he would survive that.

Jesse is everything Kix has ever wanted. He knows everything there is to know about Kix, and loves him for it. They drive each other up the wall sometimes, but at the end of the day, they always come back together. Never go to bed mad, that’s what they decided on. They don’t fight often, but when they do, Kix feels detached. Like the world isn’t fully real and he’s not actually interacting with it.

It just feels _wrong_.

Kix would give anything to keep Jesse at his side for as long as they possibly can. He would _do_ anything.

A thought forms very suddenly in Kix’s mind, startling him in the quiet darkness of the barracks.

_I want to marry him._

He opens his eyes, stares at the bunk above him.

Of course. It’s so simple. It won’t keep Jesse alive any longer than anything else but luck and good reflexes will, but it’s something. It’s important and special - intimate and important. Kix wants Jesse as his husband. He wants to _be_ Jesse’s husband. For every day he has left with the man and all the days after, he wants to be Jesse’s.

Kix sits up, knowing he won’t be getting any sleep while he’s confined to the barracks.

Not when Jesse’s in the medbay, hurt and recovering from surgery, anyway.

Without making a sound, he stands up, gathering his thin blanket in his arms. Almost everyone else in the nearby bunks is asleep or nearly that way. Leaving is easy. Even if someone sees him leave, they don’t stop him.

Sneaking back into the medbay this late is even easier. Technically, the medbay never does truly “sleep”. The smaller, individual medical centers that are near specific barracks have times when the majority of their medics aren’t working, because of the way shifts work, but the big medical bay is always active to some degree. But when Kix comes in, there’s not a medic immediately in sight.

Jesse is near the back, where the overhead lights have been turned off and the space dimmed. Kix pads his way over, quick and silent, until he’s partially shrouded by the limited light.

Jesse is right where Kix had left him - sleeping and still, but breathing steadily. There’s an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth, fogged up on the inside by the puffs of Jesse’s breaths. Blessedly, he’s shifted just slightly to his left on the bed, leaving a little more room on his right, where he’s not wounded.

Kix climbs up carefully, doing everything he can not to jostle his partner, and settles into the limited space he has. It puts him partially on top of Jesse, but he keeps his head off the man’s chest, and all his limbs away from his middle. He hooks one leg up over Jesse’s right one and lets his hand splay out right over top Jesse’s heart. He can’t really feel his heartbeat unless he were to press down and feel for it, but he won’t. There’s a heart monitor on the wall above them, placed on silent unless the rhythm changes drastically.

The position isn’t exactly the _most_ comfortable, but they’ve slept in worse arrangements before. The blanket he brought gets lazily tossed over them both so it sort of covers them, and that’s that.

Kix finds it’s easier to close his eyes like this. Sleep comes almost easily.

*

Coric does his rounds around 0300, as usual. Everything is in order. All his patients are in bed, no one is disobeying his orders. No one has come in in the middle of the night for some stupid ~~or not so stupid~~ injury or another.

All is well.

Except, it isn’t.

In the back of the medbay, where the lights are off, all of his patients are in bed. Though, he doesn’t remember having Kix as a patient. And he certainly doesn’t remember placing him in a bed _with_ Jesse.

He frowns, his lips pursing unhappily. He has half a mind to march right over there and throw Kix back out of his medbay. That little _di’kut_ should be asleep in his own damn bed in the barracks, not sprawled out on top of Coric’s recent surgery patient.

Upon closer inspection, however, Kix isn’t “sprawled” as Coric has thought. He is ever so carefully positioned and perched so as to be the least inconvenient as possible. Kix has strategically avoided Jesse’s wounded side and indeed the majority of his midsection. The rest of him is resting rather precariously on the bed, staying where he is by not moving and the arm Jesse seems to have wrapped around him in his sleep out of pure habit.

Coric’s anger melts out of him. Kix is even fully asleep, his face slack and soft where he’s resting with his cheek smushed against Jesse’s shoulder.

“Yo know what?” Coric sighs to himself aloud. “Karking _fine_.” He throws his hands in the air and spins on his heel, leaving.

_As long as he gets some kriffing sleep,_ he thinks. Then he goes back to the medics’ office.

*

Jesse wakes up slowly and a little confused. The sight above him is not the top bed of a typical bunk in the barracks, and he feels slightly numb all over. Save for the aching sting in his side that won’t go away. Of course, what is comfortingly typical is still plastered to his side, right where he should be.

Jesse smiles, finally noticing the duraplast mask settled over his nose and mouth.

Oh, right. He’s in the medbay. The pain in his side is that injury Kix had been taking care of earlier, before Jesse had lost consciousness. Of course.

He has his right arm wrapped around Kix’s back, helping keep him stable on the bed. He squeezes Kix, getting a shift and a snuffle out of his partner.

Jesse realizes very suddenly that he desperately needs to use the ‘fresher.

“Kix,” he murmurs, jostling the medic a little bit. “Kixy.”

Kix groans a whine and turns his face further into Jesse’s neck. It’s cute, and makes him chuckle. But he seriously needs to pee.

“Kixystix, really,” he insists, louder this time. “I need to get up.”

“Y’er a pat’nt,” Kix mutters, hardly even awake. “Dn’t get to go ‘nywhere…”

Another voice laughs out loud at that. Jesse turns his head, looking to his side. Coric is standing there, his arms crossed and an amused smirk on his face.

“Come on, Kix,” Coric says. “Your boyfriend needs to get up.”

Kix breathes in deeply, waking up further.

“S’rry,” comes the murmured, sleepy voice of his boyfriend. Kix pushes himself off Jesse carefully, and rolls himself off the cot. Coric releases Jesse from the IV in his arm and the oxygen mask on his face, and then _finally_ he can get up.

Going to the ‘fresher is a relief. Though Kix is still half asleep, he slots himself up to Jesse’s side and helps support him to and from. It doesn’t seem to be overly necessary. He can stand under his own power, and for the moment, the pain in his side isn’t all that bad. Maybe that’s the pain meds he’s sure to be on, but then again, perhaps not. Either way, Jesse didn’t exactly _need_ the support. He’s grateful for it anyway.

Plus, having Kix under one arm, pressed into his side will never be a bad thing.

The rest of the day passes in a slow sort of blur. He’s not set to be released from the medbay until the following morning at 0800, just because Coric ~~and Kix~~ want to keep him for observation. Despite the fact that Kix slept with him last night, clearly against medic’s orders, he still does his shift that day.

Jesse loves watching Kix work. He’s in his element, running checkups and examinations, taking tests and making sense of the results. Kix is soft and gentle where he can be, and firm and commanding when he needs to be. His flow from patient to patient, interacting with them and checking in, is seamless. He’s a force to be reckoned with, and Jesse knows it.

He smiles, watching as Kix plasters bacta patches on a scraped-up shiny. Apparently, there had been some sort of training accident with the newbies. Nothing too serious - just some small cuts and a few minor burns. They’ll be fine by tomorrow.

And Kix is perfect. He talks to the shiny with a compassionate tone - totally gentle in the way young shinies sometimes need, but sure not to be condescending, the way that younger troopers hate.

He’s perfect.

And he’s all Jesse’s.

Kix glanced up then, catching Jesse’s eyes. A smile graced across his face, softening his features as he looked away again and back to his work on the young trooper.

Jesse’s heart beat hard in his chest.

Above his head, the monitor beeps startlingly loud.

Every eye in the vicinity snaps to him. Every medic in the room is suddenly on high alert.

Jesse smiles sheepishly, and tries to wave Coric off when he comes over to check on him. It doesn’t last long, because the monitor has calmed down and Coric quickly realizes what happened. He gives Jesse a knowing smirk and walks away.

Kix’s eyes on Jesse, too. Once Coric walks away and nothing seems to be going on, he turns back to his task, shaking his head. It makes Jesse chuckle.

That evening, Jesse gets to see a little bit of what Coric might have had to deal with since Jesse’s surgery. When Kix’s shift is over, it’s just before late meal. Food is brought to the medbay for all the overnight patients and the on-duty medics. Kix sits with Jesse at his bedside and eats with him. They talk and exist together. It’s nice.

Something is off, though. Jesse can feel it.

When they’ve finished their food, another _vod_ comes around, collecting trays to take back to the mess hall. Kix sits with Jesse for a while yet, looking more and more tired as time goes by. Jesse feels that, too. He’s tired, himself. He wonders if he should just send Kix off to bed. They both need their sleep, of course, and Kix is more likely to listen to Jesse than anyone else.

Before he can make that decision, Coric is coming over, already sporting that stern Medic Look that declares it’s not time to mess with him.

“Alright, Kix,” he says. “You got away with it last night, but I’m serious this time. You are going back to the barracks and you’re going to sleep _there_ tonight. Jesse will be out of here in the morning.”

Kix opens his mouth, likely to argue, but Jesse speaks before he gets a chance.

“Kix, _kar’tayl_ ,” he says, gripping his medic’s hand in his own. “Go to sleep. I’ll be just fine until morning.”

Kix scowls at him.

“You’re supposed to be on my side!” he complains at him. Kix doesn’t pull his hand from Jesse’s though, and that’s telling enough.

Jesse pulls him forward and presses a kiss to Kix’s forehead.

“I swear to you, Kixystix. I’m okay. You can relax for a night.”

The look Jesse gets is less of a scowl, and more of a pout.

“Jess…”

“No!” Coric cuts in. “No, I’m absolutely serious, Kix. You can make it one night in the barracks on your own. If you don’t go by yourself, I will call someone to come and get you. Understand?”

Kix’s pout turns into a put-out frown. He huddles in towards Jesse, leaning against his shoulder. There are tears in his eyes. Jesse feels his stomach drop.

Something is majorly wrong. Kix doesn’t cry.

Coric’s expression softens slightly. He drops his arms to his sides.

“Fifteen minutes, alright? Then I want you out of here and sleeping. And no sneaking in here in the middle of the night.”

Tellingly, Kix doesn’t nod or acknowledge what Coric said. The head medic walks away anyway.

Jesse sighs once they’re mostly alone again, save for the brothers in their own cots.

“Kixy…”

“‘M fine, Jess, just- Drop it. Please?”

And, well… Who is Jesse to argue with the love of his life?

He kisses the top of Kix’s head, feeling the edge of one smooth lightning bolt and the surrounding stubble on his lips.

“Okay. But Coric’s right. You’ll have to go to bed soon.”

Kix doesn’t respond.

Fifteen minutes later, Kix leaves the medbay very reluctantly. He stalls in standing from the chair he’d claimed, in saying goodnight, in releasing Jesse’s hand. Kix walks tall and confident from the medbay, past all the patients he worked with during his shift.

Jesse seems the tremor in his hands, the rigid set to his spine - the tears in his eyes - and just _knows_ that something is wrong. Absolutely, horribly, _viscerally **wrong**_.

It’s hard to fall asleep that night, but with little else to do other than think, he manages it once the lights in his end of the room go off.

*

Kix doesn’t sleep again. He’d thought that with Jesse awake and recovering, this would be easier. He thought it would be easier to be apart from him, and function on his own.

Oh, how wrong he’d been.

He couldn’t believe he’d nearly _cried_ in the medbay, just over having to leave. It’s not like it’s forever! It’s not as if Jesse’s bed-bound for a week or more! It’s literally _just_ until the next morning, when Coric clears him.

Jesse’s _fine_.

_Kix_ is fine!

So why does he still feel like this? Why does it still feel as if Jesse’s going to disappear the moment he takes his eyes off him? Like Jesse might die if Kix so much as _thinks_ of relaxing.

He almost considers getting up and sneaking back to the medbay again. He doesn’t, in the end. Coric may have allowed it last night, but he won’t let Kix get away with it again. Kix is better off not testing his friend’s patience.

That doesn’t help him lie still and close his eyes. It doesn’t make the time pass faster.

Actually, he thinks it might be _slowing_ everything down, just to make him suffer.

He takes to tossing and turning in his bunk, trying different positions and trying to find out that will get him to shut his eyes and truly sleep. He lays on each side, then his stomach. Flips over onto his back and tosses one arm up above his head, getting a nice stretch in his side. None of them are good. He shoves his pillow into different positions, flips it over so maybe the cool side will soothe him into a doze. Eventually, he takes it and shoves it to the foot of his bed.

Kix doesn’t realize he’s done it with so much force - and a frustrated growl - until someone nearby sits up and faces him in the dark.

“Alright, _vod_ ,” Fives’ voice says in the darkness. “What’s wrong?”

Kix goes still. He hadn’t meant to bother any of the others, as stupid as that sounds. With so many of them in one room, someone being unable to sleep is liable to wake someone just on principle.

And he certainly hadn’t meant to wake either of the newbies. Fives and Echo came to them just the other week. They’re still pretty quiet, and keep mostly to themselves. Kix knows that behavior has been partially spurred on by the grief of losing their batchmates.

But they’re nice enough. Jesse really likes them. Hardcase, too.

“C’mon, Kix,” Echo whispers, also sitting up now. “None of us will ever get some sleep until we get to the bottom of this.”

Kix hears more than sees Echo stand up from the bunk he and Fives had been curled in together. The younger trooper steps carefully over to Kix’s bed, then climbs into the limited space. Kix sits up to help accommodate.

“Middle of the night heart-to-hearts are good for morale, anyway,” Fives offers, slotting himself into the bunk as well on Kix’s other side. He’s bracketed in now, and he can’t say he hates the feeling.

Kix huffs. He leans against the cold metal wall at his back and crosses his arms.

“I don’t know,” he admits, feeling more than a little frustrated and grumbly. “There’s no reason I should be feeling so… _off_.”

Echo leans into his shoulder.

“Sure there is,” he says easily. “It’s not easy, worrying about someone.”

“Shouldn’t be worried, though,” he protests. “He’s fine, and I’m fine, so I don’t- I can’t figure out why-” Kix growls to himself, pulling his hands down his face in irritation. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve never had to keep someone from bleeding out in the field before. I’ve done that more times than I’d care to _count_ , but…”

“You’ve never had to be the one to do that for Jesse, though,” Fives surmises.

“It shouldn’t be different!”

“Of course it’s different.”

Kix frowns. Why do these almost shinies have to be so stars damned smart?

“You love your brothers, just like the rest of us. But Jesse… he’s different,” Echo says.

“Special,” Fives cuts in.

“He lights up the room with that smile of his.”

“And he can make you laugh when no one else can.”

“He’s attractive-”

“And smart-”

“And brave-”

“Confident.”

“Courageous.”

“Loving-”

“He’s perfect,” Kix whispers, stopping them. There are tears in his eyes. “And I could have lost him.”

Fives shakes his head. “But you didn’t. You kept him alive until help could come, and it turned out alright.”

“It would have been my fault.”

“No, Kix-”

“I can’t live without him,” Kix says, sinking further into his hunched position.

Fives and Echo sigh in unison, and slump into Kix at the same time.

“Yeah…” Fives agrees.

“We know how that feels,” Echo says.

Kix gets the distinct feeling that there’s something they’re not saying. He’s long since figured out the two are in a relationship. It’s not as if they hide it. But there’s something else there, that whispers that they’re not just talking about each other.

Maybe one day, he’ll ask about the rest of Domino Squad. But not tonight.

“But hey,” Fives starts, trying to perk up a little. “You don’t have to. Not right now, anyway. He’s just in the medbay. Nowhere’s safer.”

Kix isn’t so sure that’s true, but it is well protected. Nearly in the middle of the ship, it’s hard to hit and hard to get to for anyone who doesn’t work and live here. He nods, in an effort not to start an argument he doesn’t want to have.

“When’s he getting out?”

“0800,” Kix mutters.

“Great!” Echo chirps, quiet still. They’re trying _not_ to wake anyone else up, here. “Just get through tonight, and you’ll be at his side in no time. You’ll see.”

“It’s getting through tonight that’s the problem.”

Echo hums. “Fair point.”

They sit in silence for a moment.

“I have an idea,” Fives begins. “You can say no, of course, but what do you think about spending the night with us? It’s hard not to sleep in a cuddle pile of _vode_ , right?”

Kix hums to himself, thinking the offer over. He does _want_ to sleep. And Fives is right. Cuddle nights are typically some of the best nights of sleep he gets. He’s unsure, though. Maybe-

“If you don’t want to, I have a couple of sleeping pills you can use,” Echo offers.

Well, if that’s his only other option, he knows what his decision is.

Kix shakes his head. “No, Echo, you keep those. Never know when you’re going to need them. A cuddle pile sounds good, thanks.”

Surprisingly, he’s out like a light not fifteen minutes later. It doesn’t make his dreams any better, but at least he’s sleeping.

*

For two days, Kix tries to go back to normal.

He’s happy when Coric released Jesse from the medbay. They go to first meal together. Jesse walks a little bit slower, seeing as he’s still healing, but that’s okay. He smiles at Kix and links their hands together as they walk, and it settles something deep in the medic’s chest. Kix smiles back at him, and the morning is good.

Until, that is, he has to go to his shift in the medbay. Then Jesse is off to his own duties, and rather irrationally, Kix doesn’t want him to go. The moment Jesse is out of his sight, Kix feels off balance and wrong.

All throughout his shift, he can’t stop thinking about Jesse. Wondering where he is, what he’s doing. If he’s pulled the stitches in his side, if he needs to have his bacta patch changed. When he’s with a patient, it’s not so bad. He can lock those thoughts about his partner away for the time being and focus on the _vod_ in front of him.

It doesn’t last.

Inevitably, Kix is left pretty much without anything to do. And it’s a slow day in the _Resolute_ ’s medbay.

Once his shift is over Jesse is already in the corridor, waiting for him. Kix smiles, feels the tension seep out of him again, and goes happily with Jesse off to late meal. Afterwards, they go to the barracks and sit around on their bunk, catching up with whoever’s in there.

Everyone’s overjoyed to see Jesse, especially after they’d heard through the rumor mill that he nearly died. Kix’s diaphragm seizes up in fear, but Jesse just laughs and waves them off.

“I wasn’t going to _die_ ,” he says, casual as anything. “Wasn’t that serious. Besides, Kix was there. Nothing bad can happen to me while he’s around.”

He smiles at Kix, big and bright and oh so genuine. Kix can’t help but return the look, no matter how much he feels he might vomit.

There’s laughter and nods and words of agreement all around, which really just makes him feel worse, and the conversation moves on.

Jesse gets up for a minute to use the ‘fresher, and Kix lets out a small whine as he goes. No small amount of teasing comes out of that. Jesse hears all about how Kix couldn’t bear to be without him ~~though they’re sure Kix loves _watching_ him leave~~. Jesse laughs with them over the teasing, telling them to lay off a bit when Kix turns to hide his flushed face in his shoulder.

Despite how he went along with the joke, Kix still sees the knowing look and bout of concern that flashes across his lover’s face. Silently, he shakes his head and turns further into Jesse’s embrace.

Sleep that night is so much easier than it had been. Jesse tucks Kix up to him, nice and close. He smells like nondescript soap and bacta, but Kix doesn’t mind. Jesse is warm and firm and _real_ , and the sound of his heartbeat by his ear sends him under the veil of sleep in no time at all.

The nightmares aren’t pleasant. They wake both of them up several times that night. Kix wakes up crying, gasping for air. Jesse soothes him every time, reassuring that he’s still there and nothing will change that.

Kix knows that’s a promise he can’t keep, but it’s nice of him to give it.

The next day is much the same, though instead of it getting easier to be away from his beloved, it just gets harder.

Kix finds himself acting much clingier than he usually would be. In truth, Kix isn’t the clingy type. That’s more Jesse than himself. But either way, in any moment he can be, Kix is glued to Jesse’s side, and only work can drag him away.

Nothing gets better. Kix sleeps, but he doesn’t sleep well. His appetite has all but gone, and tears threaten him any time Jesse isn’t in his line of sight. It’s ridiculous. Kix hates it.

On the third day, Jesse stops them in the hallway on their way to the mess for late meal.

“Kix,” Jesse says seriously. “Something’s wrong. Don’t deny it, please - I can tell. Let me help you.”

Kix bites his lip.

“It’s-” He swallows. “I don’t know if it’s something you can help with. I just- I-” Kix sighs and lets his shoulder slump. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Kix, you’ve been acting weird for days. You gotta tell me what’s going on, _cyar’ika_ ,” Jesse pleads with him.

“You almost died, Jesse!” Kix defends.

“It wasn’t _that_ bad, Kix, and you know it,” Jesse says, matter-of-factly. “You can ask Coric about that. And besides, I don’t think that’s what’s really bothering you.”

“You only _think_ it wasn’t that bad because _you’re_ not the one who had to keep you alive.”

Jesse levels him with a firm look.

“Kix. Out with it.”

All the fight goes out of him in an instant.

“I- I can’t stop- stop thinking about what might happen. I can’t get it out of my head that any time you’re not by my side, something might go wrong.” Jesse’s face softens. He reaches out, cups Kix’s cheeks between his warm palms. “Jess, I… I can’t live without you. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. A-and, I know nothing we say or do is going to change that, but- but…”

“Kix, I swear-”

“Marry me?”

Jesse’s eyes go wide.

“W-what?” he stutters.

Kix swallows hard. His throat has gone dry.

“M-marry me, please. I love you so much, Jesse. You’re everything to me and I can’t- I don’t- gah! I hate this. Just-”

Jesse kisses him hard, effectively cutting off anything else he was going to attempt to stutter out.

“Oh, _Kix_ ,” he sighs between kisses. “You smart, amazing, strong, _beautiful_ man.” Jesse pulls back to look Kix directly in the eye. “Of course I’ll marry you.”

Kix smiles, relief flooding through him and bringing tears to his eyes. He kisses Jesse again, wrapping his arms around him.

“I want to be yours,” he tells him. “For every day we have left, I want to be yours.”

“And forever after that, _ner ka’rta_ ,” Jesse promises on a whisper. “I promise.”

Kix smiles and hugs Jesse as hard as he can.

It doesn’t fix everything - not by a long shot. But it’s something. A start.

Kix can work with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it <3
> 
> I didn't do a whole lot of editing, but I plan to come back and do some at some point. Also, let me know if there are any tags you think I should have on here that I don't. Thanks!


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